I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
