Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
BRING THE BAGELS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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