You can't special order awesome
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
