finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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