Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
