Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
