After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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