Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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