Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
