Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
