so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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