i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
