Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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