Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You are the jesus of drinking
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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