I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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