I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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