There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
