Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
