I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
