How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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