Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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