I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
