I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
