DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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