so that wasnt chicken after all
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
