Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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