She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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