he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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