Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize