There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
