Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
