i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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