come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
