false alarm. still invincible.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
