so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
