I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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