My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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