I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize