god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
