Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
