and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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