Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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