Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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