i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
