Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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