How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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