3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
