But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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