Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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