Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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