You can't special order awesome
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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