i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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