There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
