I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
