i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
