It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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