I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
