My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
