you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
