When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
