good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize