My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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