What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize