Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
