haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You were trust falling into bushes
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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