Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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