Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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