I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
