I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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