I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
