just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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